Happy Mother's Day, indeed.

I think I am back to my "don't-like-talking-about-my-feelings" self again. My mom always told me she thought it was weird that I never said how I felt or what I thought about stuff. I wanted to have something up here for Mother's Day, but it's one of those things that just ended up being too weighty for me to drag myself through. I miss my mom and the more I think about the future, the angrier I get. Jaron is having a baby, Carly is entering high school, Scott and Brooke are going to get married eventually and we have to do it all without our mom. How are you supposed to get along without someone who has been in your life, taken care of you, helped you, loved you literally every day since even before you were born?

There were definitely days where my mom and I didn't get along. When I'd come home ten minutes after curfew, we'd argue and say things to eachother that you probably shouldn't ever say to anybody. There were some days where we would laugh at the dumb things we did. We tried walking into Shopko one day and stood in front of an "automatic" door for at least 10 seconds waiting for it to open. We stood there like idiots until one of us read the big "Do Not Enter" sign that was in front of our faces. It was an "exit only" door. Ha ha!

When I'd get mad at her for not letting me go do something she'd tell me, "I don't care. I'm not your friend. I'm your mother." Brooke and I were talking about how kids now are out of control and they would be alot more respectable if they had parents instead of more friends. It drove me crazy then, but I totally see that it makes sense now.

I thought it was so annoying when I was little that we never, and I mean never, got to go to McDonald's when I was a kid. I probably remember twice in my entire childhood that she took us. She also wouldn't let us spend too much time in front of the TV. We could watch for like an hour, then she would make us go outside and play.

There were tons of things she would do that would drive me crazy, but every time I rolled my eyes, I would get this thought in my head telling me, "You're going to miss that when she's gone."

My mom used to carry this locket around in her purse with her mother's picture in it.
The whole week before Mother's Day I was feeling really crappy. On Saturday, I decided I was going to drive to the cemetery and have a "poor me" session and Scott called while I was on my way and wanted me to go to the temple with him. I kind of felt like, "Meh, I don't really feel like it but it'll probably do me some good." So we went and decided to only stay for half an hour because we were already hungry and it was getting late. I was fine until I noticed that one of the ladies helping had on the exact same temple dress my mom had....the exact same one she was buried in. The poor lady probably thought I hated her outfit because I just kept staring her up and down. Then I started bawling and she put her arm around me and said, "The blessings are so great, aren't they?" and I told her about my mom and that her dress was making me cry and she held my hand and told me, "I'm really glad you came today."

On Sunday I felt alot better. Brandon and I met my brothers and sisters and dad at the cemetery and I had made new "letters" to put up. The last ones were getting pretty weathered and the grounds keepers threw them away. We wanted to poke new holes in the ground to put the sticks in but it was too hard and we couldn't get them straight. This is how my mom's name ended up:


Scott tried shoving the middle "L" into the ground and it broke. When we put the last ones in, the groundskeepers had just replaced the dirt so it was soft and we were able to slide the sticks in the ground real easily. Not so much this time. LOL I'll have to think of something new to get them to stand up.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Miss you....